To find my life
by Geeki
Summary: Dr Crusher tries to run from her feelings while also being part of running the ship. Rating may change with later chapters.


The Enterprise was finally calming down after their latest mission and Captain Picard was addressing the senior staff at the end of their daily meeting…

"It seems that we're now running well. Number One, you have the Bridge. I'll be in the Ready Room." Will nodded and the Captain dismissed the meeting. There was a noise of footsteps as each member of the senior staff team filed out of the room. When Jean-Luc eventually looked up again Dr Crusher was still there, looking nervous. He looked at her a question burning in his eyes. The Doctor was the first to break the silence "Jean-Luc, I know your shift finishes in 30 minutes, mines done until the Bridge watch tonight…" Beverly realised she was starting to babble, taking a deep breath she said, "…I need to talk to you. Talk to you as my friend, not just my captain. Will you meet with me in my quarters when you're done?" Beverly was looking at him so expectantly, a look he hadn't seen from her since just after he took Jack home to her. The Captain was starting to get concerned "Beverly, what…" He didn't get any further as she interrupted him "Jean-Luc, please." She pleaded with him, close to tears. She was grateful that he understood, that she didn't have to ask him to leave it until later. He took her hand and assured her he would be there after he had been to his quarters to change. She nodded and whispered her thanks as she left. He puzzled over it for a few minutes then decided his time would be better spent finishing up and getting ready to meet with her. Ten minutes later found the Captain engrossed in his work.

Forty-five minutes later Beverly was pacing in her quarters, anxious about his arrival. 'What am I thinking?'. Her door chime rang before she could answer her own question. She walked to the door to answer it as she didn't trust her voice and she opened it to find him there, smiling at her. At the Doctors invitation Jean-Luc entered the room and sat down. He had already noticed that she seemed more nervous now than she had when she approached him after the staff meeting, his concern started to increase. As she walked to the replicator he decided to speak, "Beverly, you seem distracted and this looks like it's going to be a serious conversation. It might be worth seeing if Deanna would be able to switch Bridge duty with you?" He wasn't sure how she would take the suggestion and he was very surprised at her answer. "Maybe you're right, I'll be right back." Now he was really worried about her, she never takes advice of that sort. When she walked back into the room he went to her and pulled her to him. She leaned into his warmth and sighed, not wanting to move. Despite wanting to stay in his arms forever, she reluctantly pulled away and curled herself into a corner of the sofa. He sat by her and waited, knowing her well enough to be patient. She wasn't looking at him as she started speaking "Jean-Luc, I, well, I can't stay here." She hurried on, needing to get this out and knowing he would have something to say. "I'm afraid of my feelings for you and what they mean. I don't think either of us can go on much longer with this tension between us." He just looked at her, somehow knowing she wasn't quite finished. "I don't want you to get angry with me for what I say next. I need to be honest…" she carries on as he nods his understanding "…I can't sit here and watch you in other relationships. I know it's selfish of me to even think it and I would never dream of asking you to wait for me to decide anything. It just hurts. I also hate to see your pain when I have an interest in someone. It seems to me that we're at an impasse and it's affecting me more than I can cope with." She finished with a sigh and rests her head on her knees. Jean-Luc Picard hung his head, if he really thought about it he'd known this was coming, she had been avoiding spending time alone with him for a few months now. There was silence for a while and Beverly knew that he was waiting for her to look at him. She shakily regains some of her composure and lifted her head up slowly. As their eyes met it pained Jean-Luc to see the anguish and the moisture there. He took a deep breath, "Beverly, you know that I love you. I also know that you love me, so you'll understand me when I say that I hate to see you this troubled. I want you to know that I have heard you but I need some time to process all of this." At her nod he continued, "can we meet tomorrow evening?" "Yes, of course. Promise me something Jean-Luc?" "What?" "Talk to Deanna, don't keep all of this bottled inside." "Alright, I promise." He agreed, reluctantly, even though he knew he would need Deanna's help sorting through all of this. With a soft kiss to the top of her head he left her quarters so they could both try and sleep.

The moment the door's shut behind the love she was running from Beverly let the tears fall, she fell into a fitful sleep right there on the sofa and didn't even feel Wesley cover her with the blanket before going to his own room.

The Captain stepped onto the Bridge to relieve the Gamma shift supervisor looking very tired. Those on duty were wise enough to not comment or even look twice at their Captain. He doubted that Beverly had slept much either, given what she had said to him the previous evening. He shook his thoughts away and received the report then asked Counsellor Troi if she would mind meeting with him later that day, she was surprised but agreed. As they were making arrangements Commander Riker stepped out of the turbolift. Immediately sensing that something was off he decided that drills would be the best plan for the day, not wanting to provoke the Captain while he was in this mood.

The mood in Sickbay was as sombre as the one on the Bridge, all the staff were steering clear of their emotional boss. Beverly was writing a report in her office when the red alert alarms went off. "Medical emergency! Dr Crusher to Engineering!" As she quickly gathered her team and her equipment the Captains voice came through, "Doctor, make sure your team are ready to work quickly. We're losing containment on the warp core down there." "Aye sir." Dr Crusher took a deep, calming breath and hurried down to Engineering to do her job.

As the medical team entered Engineering it was chaotic, people rushing to get out of the way of those working to contain the breach as well as injured people all over the place. There were engineers of a high calibre working close to the warp core, shouting directions to those working below. Ignoring the entire bustle around her, Dr Crusher made her way to those who were obviously injured. After assessing that there were few serious injuries she started assigning them to the members of her team. She soon realised they would need extra hands to escort the injured parties to Sickbay for further testing and clearance. Pressing her comm. badge Beverly spoke "Dr Crusher to the Bridge." "Yes Doctor." "Sir, I need you to order as many spare hands as we have to help evacuate the injured parties from Engineering. There are too many for my team to handle and it's too dangerous to use the transporters." "Acknowledged, and Doctor, keep and open comm. channel." She charged Nurse Ogawa with letting people in and out of Engineering so that the already busy room wasn't overrun. Once most people were out of the way Alyssa went to assist Dr Crusher, the rest of the team having been dismissed to deal with the people travelling to Sickbay. The warp core breach was becoming more immanent, Beverly heard Geordie tell them to divert as much excess power to the other consoles as they could. She and Alyssa were moving the last injured woman away from the wall as the console to the side of them glowed brighter. Beverly realised what was about to happen and that her best nurse and friend was in the way. She grabbed Alyssa and swung the woman away as the panel exploded, throwing out plasma and parts. Unfortunately the momentum from pulling Alyssa put her face to face with the explosion. Alyssa couldn't move due to shock. Geordie had just finished containing the breach and looked up triumphantly in time to see Beverly flying over the central console and onto the floor. "No!" Alyssa's cry made him move and as the nurse went to see to the Doctor he called "medical emergency! Sickbay to Engineering! Dr Crusher has been injured!" On the Bridge the celebrating crew stopped cheering and the Captain thought his own heart had stopped beating.


End file.
